The Clash of the Johnny Characters
by rememberedenx3
Summary: Where did the genie come from? How did Jack find the rum? This story is about me and my favorite Johnny Depp movie characters. Purely for my amusement. Enjoy!
1. The Wish

**A/N:** Please realize that I wrote this while I was reviewing for a test in German. I was bored, but not entirely focused. A lot of things may happen in here that don't make sense, like the genie, for example. I DON'T KNOW ANYTHING ABOUT IT. I just wrote whatever popped into my mind at the time. This was for my amusement. Enjoy! 

**Disclaimer:** I own none of the Johnny Depp characters.

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It was chaos in the bedroom that I shared with my sister (she wasn't home yet). When the hip, jazzy, super-cool, neat, keen, and groovy cat genie allowed me to have one wish and I had asked for all of my favorite Johnny Depp characters, I never thought that having them together would be so horrible…

"No, NO! Jack, there is no rum in my sister's underwear drawer!" I screamed, jumping over my bed and Mort Rainey, who was apparently muttering to himself on the floor, hugging his knees.

"Just checking, love!" Captain Jack Sparrow gave me a cheeky grin. I had the feeling he didn't really care at the moment where his rum was.

"Hey, Jen?" Agent Sands called, lounging on my sister's bed. "Where's the alcohol in this messed up party?"

"This isn't a party," I told him.

"Then why is that freak carrying a sh-"

"Sands…" I warned.

"FINE! A crap load of candy!"

I looked to where he was pointing. Willy Wonka was moving further away from Edward Scissorhands, holding his armful of Wonka chocolate to his chest, backing into the wall. Poor little Eddie didn't notice the scared look on Willy's face, so he continued to talk animatedly to him, using his scissor hands for emphasis.

Willy saw me looking at him. "Help me, little girl!" he cried. "The monster is trying to kill me!"

I sighed and began walking towards them. I was about to place my right hand on Edward's shoulder.

"Edward…"

"Yes, Jen?" He whipped around, his scissor hands cutting into my reached out hand.

"E-OW!" I screamed.

"Oh my gosh! Jen, I'm sorry!" Edward cried, his cute little face scrunched up in worried, making my heart melt.

"It's okay," I assured him. "I'll just clean it up."

"Allow me, darling," Jack said behind me. He held a bottle of rum. Where in the world did he get that?

"No, thanks," I said, holding my injured hand closer to myself. "I've got Vaseline…"

I backed myself into Ichabod Crane.

"Oh, my dear girl, whatever has happened to you!" he asked, shocked at the sight of blood on my hand.

"It's a little cut-"

"I hurt her!" Edward said piteously.

"You did what!" Sands got up, took out his gun, and pointed it at Edward.

"No, Sands!" I cried.

Jack stepped in front of Sands, pulling out his own gun (where did they get that too?). "The boy already apologized. Back away now."

An intruder would think this was a rehearsal for a Western movie.

"Sands, Jack," I said weakly. But then I thought about it. My favorite movie characters were about to have a fight. This was something I had to see!

"Jen!" I heard my mother call me from the kitchen. "Dinner is ready!"

I sighed. "Sorry, guys, but you'll have to do this later. Time to eat."

Sands and Jack grumbled as they put away their guns. Ichabod helped Mort up, quietly talking to him. Mort suddenly started laughing insanely. Ichabod moved slowly away. Willy was gently getting used to Edward. He was talking excitedly to Ed, who looked very interested in what he was hearing.

"The waterfall is most important. Mixes up the chocolate. Churns it up. Makes it light and frothy…"

I laughed to myself. They were all so cute.

I went to clean my cut in the bathroom. I locked the door (guys were in the house, I needed my privacy.) I got out the Vaseline. Suddenly, my right arm was being tugged at. It was Jack. He was grinning.

"Would you be needing any assistance there, love?"

"Err…"


	2. The Dinner Scene

As we walked down to the kitchen to have dinner, I noticed my sister was already sitting at the table.

"Hey, Christine," I mumbled to her. I straightened my shirt and glared at Jack, who simply raised his hands, as if to say, "I didn't do anything, love."

"Mmm," my sister mumbled back to me. He and my mother had not yet seen my crew of Johnny Depps. The kitchen was silent for a few minutes, with the characters looking at each other for clues of what to do.

"So!" Willy said suddenly, clapping his hands together with a big smile. "What's for supper, mother?" Then he burst out into laughter, as if he had just said the most hilarious thing in the world. Sands arched an eyebrow at him and Ichabod fidgeted and backed away from the candy inventor.

Then Christine said in a monotone voice, "Wow, Jen, you're really beginning to sound like that freak more and more everyday." At this, Willy fumed. "Mom, didn't I tell you she watches too much of Johnny-"

By this point, she had looked up and had frozen in mid-sentence, opened mouth and wide eyed, shocked at the sight of the hottest of hot movie characters in the entire world.

"Christine," I said with a big grin, "this is Mort Rainey, Ichabod Crane, Edward Scissorhands, Willy Wonka, Agent Sheldon Sands, and the adorable Captain Jack Sparrow," pointing to each one as I said their names, Jack smiling at me with approval for getting his title right (and I think he liked that I added "adorable" to it as well).

"Oh. My. Gosh," Christine whispered. "I'm hallucinating."

"That's what I said when I first saw them!" I said cheerfully. "But then Jack hugged me and it felt so real!"

"Mom!" Chris cried, turning frantically to our mother, who hadn't even noticed our whole conversation.

"What, Chinna?" she asked absently.

"Johnny Depps are in our kitchen!"

"What?"

"JEN FREAKIN' HAS ALL THESE JOHNNY DEPP CHARACTERS IN OUR KITCHEN!"

"Watch your language, Christine!" Mom scolded her, still not looking up form where she was cooking (and she called us down to eat! Sigh, that's my mom for you).

"So that's where you get it from," Sands whispered to me, smirking.

Christine was now getting annoyed. "Mom!" she yelled. "Look up, NOW!"

Then my mom looked up. "Who are they?" she asked, confused.

"ARE YOU KIDDING ME?" I screamed.

"Who am I?" Jack gasped, his ego wounded. "Who am _I? _I'm Captain Jack Sparrow, that's who! I'm captain of the Black Pearl, pirate of the seven seas, dishonest and a drunk, a big hit with the ladies, as well, if I might add and I-"

"Jack!" I glared at him. "She doesn't care if you're good with the ladies, she doesn't even know who you are! Any of you, for that matter!"

"Oh, I'm Willy Wonka," Willy said quickly, sticking out his tongue at Jack, who was pouting because I yelled at him, and stuck out his hand for my mom to shake.

"I don't think the lady cares about you too," Sands said lazily, pulling out his cigarettes from his pocket. "Freak."

"Ok! You, you, and you," I snarled, pointing at Jack, Willy, and Sands, "need to shut up, RIGHT NOW!" I then grabbed Sands cigarettes away from him.

"Hey!" he cried. "It's illegal for you to have those!"

"And they will give you lung cancer, so take that!"

"I rolled them myself!"

"Is there any rum in there?" Jack asked my mom, nodding towards the refrigerator.

"Jack, we don't have alcohol in this house," I said wearily, rubbing my temple.

"NO RUM?"

"Didn't you get your rum from somewhere else, Mr. Sparrow?" Ichabod asked Jack politely.

"Um…I forget where."

"VOICES!" Mort suddenly screamed. "There are voices inside my head!"

"What are they saying to you?" Edward asked quietly to him.

"This is so weird," Christine said to herself, watching the whole scene in amazement.

"Everyone, sit down, dinner is ready!" Mom barked at us. "All of the food is now getting cold."

"What's for supper, mother?" Jack asked my mom, mimicking Willy. He and Sands sniggered and gave each other high fives (wow, who would've thought they'd be great buddies?), while Willy gave them a disapproving look.

"I DIDN'T STEAL HIS STORY!" Mort shouted randomly.

"Is he…crazy?" Ichabod asked carefully.

"Yes," I replied truthfully.

"Then, why'd you wish for him?"

"He's got great bed hair," I explained.

"SIT DOWN!" Mom yelled for the final time. We all did immediately, even though there wasn't enough seats. Sands sat on the counter top, something my mom chose to ignore. Ichabod looked nervously at my mom, who looked ready to shoot the next person who spoke. I pulled out chairs from the other room for the rest of us.

"So," Christine said slowly to Jack, "are you real?"

"Yeah, love," Jack said with a grin. "Would you like a kiss to prove it?"

Christine quickly shook her head and looked away. She's an Orlando Bloom freak.

My mom started putting plates of macaroni and cheese in front of us. Edward began to use his scissorhands to eat his food, but the macaroni kept falling off. It was the most pitiful thing I had ever seen, but he didn't seem to be wanting help. Jack was practically stuffing his face with food as if he had never eaten in his life. Ichabod was taking small bites and Willy looked unsure that the food was actually "eatable" (after all, it was my mom's cooking). Only Mort and Sands weren't eating.

"I only eat corn," Mort said in a monotone voice, not even touching the table as he watched his food expressionlessly.

"And I only eat Puerco Pibil," Sands said, crossing his arms and leaning back. "It happens to be my favorite."

"So you can shoot my mother and restore the balance of America?" I asked him, rolling my eyes.

"Sure," he replied seriously.

_Someone should just shoot me_, I thought darkly. I hate dinner.


	3. The Last Wish

"Are ya sure ya want to do this, luv?" Jack asked me with his big, brown gorgeous eyes. For a moment I lost my train of thought, dreamily smiling, forgetting the purpose of all of us in my room with my sister's plastic lamp in hand.

"You could always just give me a plane ticket to Mexico," Sands drawled lazily, lying on my bed. "I'm sure they miss me there."

Edward looked at me sadly. "I don't want to go, Jen."

I struggled not to tear at his sweet, pitiful face. "I have to do this. I mean, after last night at dinner and setting my neighbor's cat on fire, I really think it's time for you all to leave."

"But that was Mr. Sands and Mr. Sparrows fault!" cried Ichabod, glaring at the two. "And I'm sure they did not tell you of the little girl's doll they stole, leaving her crying there on the street…"

"She can buy another American Girl doll," Sands shrugged. "We needed something flammable for the cat."

I ran my fingers through my hair. "Oh. My. Gosh."

"I DIDN'T STEAL YOU FRIGGIN' STORY!!"

We all stared at Mort, who simply blinked after his outburst.

"Well," Willy sighed, "I suppose I _should_ go back. I don't think Charlie can handle business on his own just yet."

I nodded in agreement and tried to think of other possible reasons why the others should go back to their own dimensions of the universe. "Yeah, absolutely. And, Ichabod, don't you think that trip to the police station helped you as a detective? You can now share your modern knowledge with the rest of your world."

"Hey, man," Sands pointed at him. "You welcome."

"And Edward," I continued as though I wasn't interrupted. "Kim probably misses you. And who knows, maybe her granddaughter will…visit?" Okay, Edward didn't really have anything to live for, did he? But his excited nod and smile allowed me to believe he would listen to me.

I placed a hand on Mort's shoulder, who looked at it suspiciously before turning back to me. "Mort, don't you want to straighten your life out? Grow a garden? Get another dog?" He didn't reply, but his left eye twitched a little.

Sighing, I faced Sands and Jack, both of whom were smirking at me. "Guys," I began. But Jack held up a hand.

"Luv, if ya really want me to go, I will."

I smiled in relief. "Thanks, Jack."

He grinned, knowing it would make my knees weak. "Only if ya really, really, _really_ want me to, luv."

"Um…"

"Well, I'll leave," Sands announced, getting up from my bed. "You don't have any liquor anyway."

I was still dazed by Jack's awfully good looks.

"Yo, shrimp." Sands snapped his fingers and I jumped back to reality. "Are you gonna get that genie or what?"

I nodded and rubbed the small lamp in my hands, praying this would work. Smoke was steaming out of the spout and suddenly the hip, jazzy, super-cool, neat, keen, and groovy cat genie appeared.

"Oh," he said dryly. "You."

"Me!" I squeaked, thrilled. "Okay, I have another-"

"Hold up. Didn't I already grant you a wish?"

I frowned. "Yeah, but don't I get three?"

He shrugged. "If you want to get technical…"

"What? Well, um, okay. I have a wish."

"Anytime you stop sputtering."

I glared. (Sands and Jack laughed, and even Edward giggled.) "Alright. I wish my favorite Johnny Depp characters would go back to wherever they came from. That everything would return to normal."

The genie snapped his fingers, and with a "POOF!" I was alone in my room. No more genie. No more characters.

I sighed. I was going to miss the chaos.

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The End.

Please read and review- I'd love to know what you think. It was cheesy, but fun writing. I hope you liked it! :


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